Why I’m still waiting for patience … and it’s still hard

I’ve never been a very patient person. I deplore waiting for things I really, really want. I catch myself thinking things like, But why can’t I just have what I want now? Like, now, now? As in this minute now?

This has got me into some trouble sometimes. I go after what I want, right away, and of course it never turns out the way I originally planned. And I’m always left thinking, But it’s what I want. Why can’t it just happen my way?

At this point I always have a little grasshopper moment (I swear this is from a movie, I just can’t remember which one it is for the life of me). As in an omnipotent voice speaking to me out of the sky, reigning down on me from a cloud, saying, Little grasshopper, you do not know what you need. You do not know the forces working around you that are preventing you from getting what you want. But I see you, and you will get what you want, eventually. Just be patient.

Whereupon I usually have a little hissy fit.

As I get older, though, I’m beginning to see the true wisdom behind patience (I still have hissy fits sometimes – believe me). The ultimate “lessons” that patience is often meant to teach still infuriate me, but I have become able to look back at periods in my life where I can truly say I was not ready for what I really wanted. Not even close.

Like now, for example. I’m essentially getting paid to write, and am meeting some pretty cool people in the process – some I’m reconnecting with, and some I’m meeting for the first time. This is the kind of job I’ve been looking for for the last ten years.

I couldn’t have done it ten years ago, though. I doubt I could’ve even done it five years ago. Well, maybe I could’ve – but I wouldn’t have been very good at it.

Coincidence? I think not.

*

So, I’m trying my best to be patient. I couldn’t have imagined the stars aligning any better for me to be in the place I am right now, at my little desk at MWG, writing my little crippled heart out for all those people out there (that means you). I have three months left at the Guild, and I’m not planning on leaving without laying out everything I have.

And all the stuff I want now, like right now? (Like, can’t I write the best thing I’ve ever written now? Why not?)

I know it’ll be there for me, at the exact moment I really need it. I can learn to wait for that.

Maybe. I might need a little help.

But I will, and I’ll survive. After all, I’ve made it this far. And it’ll be awesome, when I’m ready – but not a millisecond before.

“All great achievements require time.” -Maya Angelou

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